On interviews

I was recently called up for a couple of job interviews. One of them looks very promising, both are with financial institutions. Now, anyone who knows me (well) will tell you this about me:

I hate interviews, with a passion.

The night before one, I will pace endlessly, sleep fitfully, wake up with my head buzzing like a swarm of bees on acid. I will actually arrive at least 45 mins before, so that I can calm the hell down. Which doesn't really work all that well as I will get agitated again, the moment I start making my way to the doors. 
Once I meet the interviewer and we exchange pleasantries, I await for the moment the dreaded test is wheeled out; at which point I feel like Han Solo on the interrogation slab, before Darth Vader. Quick check at my armpits and yes, I am sweating buckets and the sensation of a deep unpleasant heat develops at the pit of my stomach, even before I've looked at the questions.


I've tried to reason why, many times, and it's a deep seated anxiety. I believe it stems from these three things:

• I always compare myself with the better person than me, and naturally find I am falling short.
• I forget things.
• I hate humiliation.

The last one is a killer. I dont enjoy making a fool of myself, and I always want to have the answers for things I'm supposed to be a damn professional at. So I take it as a major personal failing when I can't fully (or at all) answer something.


So, you can imagine what happened when I was given a written test and asked to comment on a piece of code on the fly. 


You probably think I soiled my pants.


I didn't.


I aced it, and I have no idea how. The information came readily available to me, I was fully answering what I knew, and taking an intelligent guess at what I didn't. Maybe this is a turning point for me, maybe this is a one off, but even if I dont get the job (one more interview to go) for one day, I felt so damn good about myself and my knowledge.

On books..

A recent spate of self-loathing prompted me to post the following on Twitter:

The more I read @joshbloch 's books the more I want to sit in a corner rocking back and forth, mumbling "my code sucks" ad infinitum..

I didn't expect anyone in particular to answer or comment, I was merely railing against my own inadequacies. Yet an hour later  I received this

@idiotmonkeycodr Sorry.  That wasn't my plan.  FWIW, I learned most of those lessons the hard way. 

Holy shit..I peed myself because Josh Bloch deemed my bullshit worthy enough of a response (ok a little bit of hero worship in play here). However, I almost instantly realised, I had actually inadvertently offended him. Here's someone who put a lot of fucking effort in producing books that are concise and well-read and some shit comes along and complains (albeit obliquely) that they point out the major suck-age in his code.

This all comes down to the fact that I feel very defensive about what I code, because I know my initial drafts are going to be bullshit, so to read how things should be done, makes me feel embarrassed to call myself a developer (coupled with my bizarre inability to absorb and retain information, I've read Effective Java probably 5 times now, from cover to cover, and I still cannot recall most of the nuggets of wisdom contained therein).

I guess Google telling me (politely) to fuck off has seriously dented my confidence..